Cliff Notes: Cliff doesn't like the rules, but does like my legs. And my mom.

A few hours  after I used age as the main reason why we wouldn't date, Cliff sent me a message. I've attached it below, as well as what I think it really says. Enjoy.

Cliff: It’s 1:33am so I’m going to say good morning to you, but still send this in the middle of the night because what I have to say is so very important that I have to get it off my chest this very second and you need to look at it the moment you wake up. Earlier this evening you asked me how old I am and I told you that I’m 26, even though I look closer to 36, and neither you nor any of your friends who ever met me will believe me. You told me that you’re 31 (but I’m going to say you said 30 cause women like to fib about these things right? I’m being supportive) and that you can’t date a 26 year old, so I totally played that all wrong. Crap. Still, flattery will get you everywhere I’m told, so I’m going to lay it on thick and hope that works. You probably like your mom, and she may weigh in on your dating decisions, so I’m going to compliment her and hope she goes to bat for me. If that doesn’t work, I can always find out if she’s single. So let’s stop playin’ here. You have a hot body; I like curves. Your face is nice too, and you’re tall. Some men don’t like women who are taller than they are but angel, I’m so much more secure than all of those other posers. You have a nice smile, but damn girl, those legs! No jokes. Don’t get mad at the truth, just accept it for what it is. One day you’re going to leave the Solomons but I will always have inappropriate dreams about you, even if you stay stingy and don’t let me find out what I’m really missing. I think you don’t like me because I’m poor but girls like gold and jewellery so I’m going to talk about that here. I think the main take away message I want to emphasize is that guys want you but man, you’re hard to get! I don’t have money, but I really believe that I’m doing a great job of showing you how much I love you, and I’m really hoping that you now feel guilty and give me a chance to really make a move. Like many locals before me – in Africa and now here in the Sols – I think your last name is Queen, and I haven’t made you feel uncomfortable by bringing up religion yet, so after this I’ve laid it all out on the line: God bless the Queen, bless the way you look, bless your parents, and you, and your brother who lives on a farm. Good luck not falling for me now, and happy new year 2013.

Me: Are you drunk?