My birthday present to myself

I'm a third of the way into being 32 so it's about frickin' time I tell you a little about the birthday present I gave to myself 4 whole months ago.

It all started as an offhand joke. 

(Don't some of the best ideas have a way of starting that way?)

The problems? Lack of dating opportunities in this darn town, feelings of having no chance to pro-actively do anything about unwanted singledom, a dull but intensifying background tick-tocking and just general Wanting To Have It All-ness (and sooner than later, thank you very much)

A possible solution? Like so much of the rest of my life which maintains relationships online, I created an online dating profile. Then I booked a trip to Brisbane for the weekend of my birthday. I was going to go on a date damn it come hell or high water. It's my birthday and I'll date if I want to.

Seems ridiculous? Ya, maybe. But really, it's not like I had an awful lot to lose. So...

I picked a free site that I've used before, and set up a profile for Brisbane (the only developed world city that you can fly to from here, a mere 3 hours away), wrote up a profile that spelled out the situation, and in the meagre effort it took to hit send I was instantly launched into the pro-actively dating scene. (At least so to speak.)

I also set out the rules:

1. You must be at least 26 to play this game.
2. Basically that's it. Just #1.

I also have some slightly more flexible guidelines that I tend to follow, which are:

1. A guy has to write to me first. I don't respond to "winks" or "meet me" requests because it doesn't make any sense - read my profile and know the situation or don't waste my time. If you want to make me a "favourite" then there is no reason not to at least say "hi". Otherwise it's just awkward for everyone and feels kinda pervy.
2. If you don't have a photo up, you better be willing and able to send one through pretty soon after saying hello. Fair is fair.
3. Any guy who writes me something considered, that reflects that he has had a look at my profile and has something interesting to say, will get a response, even if it's to say that I'm not interested. If all you say is "hi" or the only slightly better "hi, how are you?" you may get a response, but mainly only if there is something about your profile that peeked my interest or if it's been a dry couple of days and I'm bored enough to write back.
4. I love kids but prefer a guy who doesn't have any. The reason is simple: I would like a relationship and  a career. Guys with kids are much less mobile than guys without kids so for many men with children, the possibility of living overseas (or even back in Canada) is off the table from the start. Unless they are shitty dads. In which case, I don't want them for that reason too. 
5. If a guy has his shirt off in any of his profile photos, I might look for the sake of admiration, but I won't touch. If you lead with nudity I think it's fairly safe to say that you're lacking in other areas and I'd get bored of you pretty quickly.

So, with that said, here's a look at my profile:

Normal but not boring, seeks same

Hello? Anyone awesome out there?

Sometimes life takes you in directions you might never expect. So far for me, the road has led to a career in the field of international development. Broken down, that basically just means that I work in the field, internationally, doing development work.

I'm a Canadian currently a long way from home, working in a pacific island country. For the last handful of years I've been in Africa, with a break somewhere in there to do my masters at Sydney Uni.

Are you wondering yet how you fit into this? Well basically, dating opportunities are pretty limited in this type of work. Most of the expats in town are coupled or young families, and given how small this place is, those of us who are single need to watch out - if we smile at an available member of the opposite sex a little too keenly, everyone in town fills in their own blanks and we're left wondering why everyone is looking at us. Scandal! It's not fun. Particularly since I'm a pretty freakin' nice person with a tendency to smile frequently.

I'm coming to town for a bit of a short break (details to be confirmed - maybe Brisbane? Maybe the gold coast?) and I thought it would be really nice to try to meet someone. Someone to get to know a little before I arrive. To hang out with a little while I'm there. I'd really like to meet someone who is open to the possibility that if we liked each other that we might try to see each other again. Anything past that starts to feel like way too much pressure. Fear not! I'm happy to end up with a new friend in a new place.

I'm sure this will sound like a sh*t deal to most guys out there (did POF just censor my potty mouth?), and I apologize in advance that I am 100% NOT offering up a booty call. But if you are a decent guy who people would easily describe as friendly and funny, can hold your own in a conversation, are reasonably interested in getting to know someone new and might be up for showing me around town or sitting beside me at a movie (we can't do that here!), I'd love to hear from you.

In return, you'll get an interesting, unpretentious, chilled out 31 year old who spends far too much time deprived of some regular stuff and will likely show disproportionate enthusiasm for things that you may find to be normal (Croissants! Shopping malls! Air con! Movie theatres! You will, of course, find this enthusiasm to be utterly adorable.)  I have often (rightly) been referred to as 'cheeky' and a 'smart ass', as well as an unapologetic, harmless flirt (guilty!). Unless you end up being a total jerk, I can pretty much guarantee that I will laugh at all your jokes enthusiastically, even if they don't totally deserve it. I've been told that I'm a pretty easy date. Not easy in THAT way (sorry), but I bet you'd have an ok time anyway.

So. Whaddya think?

The world of men looking for love online (among a vast array of other things) did not fail to, at the very least, provided hours of entertainment. My little birthday plan became known to my friends. Single women in Honiara applauded my efforts and wished they had thought of it first. At least one that I know of has started a profile of her own hoping to meet someone for when she finishes up here. I inspired people!  In the 6 weeks that preceded my birthday, this little adventure was basically the most interesting thing about me, and my friends all jumped on board to inquire about how things were going, laugh at some of the truly tragic messages I received and generally cheer me on.

If you've never tried online dating, then this next bit is for your. If you have, well this next bit is for you too, because I know without having to ask that you've had a similar experience. 

Here are some screen captures of messages I received, or of profiles of guys who have written to me or sent me "meet me" requests (which is basically a function on the site where people can look at a string of profile photos and say whether they want to meet any of them, without looking at their profile. The person in the photo then gets notified that you want to "meet" them). I haven't changed or blocked any of the profile names because sometimes they're the best part (and also because only like 20 people will read this, so it doesn't feel all that inappropriate).

I should add a new rule: If you think it's appropriate to have the word "Kid" in your profile name, you're probably breaking the one and only rule. But I'm still going to be nice to you about it.

It's also possible to go to the other end of the age spectrum, and maybe give off an air of desperation. (or maybe he just knows a good thing when he sees it?

I'm awesome AND witty. The whole pack-age. Or carton.

Flowers seem like such a waste of money if a first date presents you with a handful of what this guy is offering instead.

Just in case I overlooked that he *might* be interested.

This guy's really convinced me that he's interested in getting to know me.  I'm also so proud of his qaulificatin.

Apparently a really deep mind and free thinker. Lots of ideas and potential for really fulfilling conversation.

A little bit of sass never hurt anyone.

It's not a rule, but guidelines are important too. (It even took me a few seconds to figure out what I was looking at!)

Yup Mick, I get it.

A proposition and an insult all rolled into one! This guy is good. 

Maybe for our first date I can teach him to count all the way to 10.

Wishing you the best of luck with your boundary pushing.

There's something about this guy that screams I WANNA LOVE YOU FOREVER! 

This is a classic example of my internal dialogue when reading some profiles:
Me (in my head):
Great age!
Successful!
Cute self deprecation!
Knows the word "emotions"!
"Distance is not a big deal"WHA???!?!
I like villas too!
I hate mornings too!
He'd help remind me to take my vitamins! I need help being reminded to do that!

Oh.

Love how he slips in his dom/sub preference and then goes right into talking about having 2 kids. 

Looking for love? Pfff. Clearly you're looking for something else.
(I clicked on his profile and it, unsurprisingly, said "unemployed)

So how did the plan go? Well, it could have been worse. I chatted to quite a few guys. 

I even went out on a couple of dates with one of the guys I've highlighted here. No, I'm not telling you which one!

Alas, after 5 weeks of talking on a daily basis, 2 dates was enough. I ended up having dinner on my birthday with a guy who wrote to me by chance on the morning of my birthday, but who was lovely and restored a little bit of faith in the type of men you can meet online, even though I opted for that to be our one and only date.

In fairness, I got what I asked for. My birthday present to myself was a really lovely and relaxing weekend in Brisbane including a total of 3 dates with two different guys, and a reminder that putting yourself out there is a brutal but necessary part of life.

Did I delete my profile when I got back? Nope. 

Might I have a story for you soon? Heck ya!

Fingers crossed.

Stay tuned.

xo

H

PS. Wondering what ever happened with Mick? He wrote a couple more times. I eventually responded and thanked him for his interest but said that I wasn't interested. He responded immediately saying "ok" or something like that. Then a few minutes later, clearly on further thought, wrote again to ask for an explanation. That and the few subsequent messages were duly ignored. I'm kicking myself for not taking any more screen shots. Can't say the guy isn't persistent!