Twenty days on Tinder

I’m rather vocal about my interest in embarking on a life less, well… single. I’m not interested settling, of course – I mean, I’ve held out long enough that it hardly seems right to give up now – but I certainly put at least a little effort into making sure the universe knows I’m up for it – Hey Universe! Over here! Kind, caring, sometimes funny, somewhat unconventional, occasional loud mouth seeks nice, normal guy at least as tall as her for laughs, fighting for the remote, long kisses and the potential to have someone to dance with at everyone else’s weddings… maybe more. No commitment-phobes or porn addicts. Must be able to deal with my family (read: mother).

Did you hear me Universe?

I love it when couples get together and it works out – particularly in a small town, international crowd context like here. It gives me hope. It happened for them, maybe it will happen for me too! Maybe He’s just around the corner, drinking a fresh coconut, discussing the latest room reveal on The Block and the merits of wearing Birkenstocks on a daily basis– we just haven’t met yet because I had my eyes on the concrete trying not to step in all the red betel nut spit or trip on the pot holes.

In case not, it seems reasonable to hedge my bets a little, which is why I considered the online dating route. Since everyone seemed to enjoy my earlier online dating fails, in the spirit of Valentines, I thought I would do a little sharing from the archives of my latest dabble in the online world of dating, which occurred while I was in Australia and New Zealand for my Christmas holidays. My gift to you. Because roses die. And I already ate all the chocolate. You’re welcome.

But first, a bit of a warm up, courtesy of Plenty of Fish (POF), prior to my holidays:

Sounds great, I've always dreamed of meeting someone who wants me to work
on their farm and hang out with their family. 

Late last year I found out about a couple of dating apps which, though new to me, have actually been around for a while and are quite popular. I decided to try out two of them: Tinder and Blendr.

(Full disclosure: I probably should have called this post “A few weeks away and varying degrees of time and energy using Tinder, Blender and POF”)

They both work quite similarly – you put up a very brief profile with the main focus being on your picture, and adjust a couple of settings that allow you to identify what you are looking for (ie. dating, friends) and with whom (ie. age range, gender). Blendr allows you to include some additional profile write ups, similar to traditional dating profiles - like POF - which is the site I’d been using exclusively until now.  Both use the GPS location of your mobile phone to show you other users within a certain proximity of your current location. You see their pic, maybe check out a few details about them, and then tap one button to say you’re interested, or another to say you’re not. Eventually your picture will show up for them if they’re actively using the app, and if they also indicate that they’re interested in you, you’ll both get a ‘match’ notification and be able to start chatting with each other via a messenger service on the app.

I thought myself rather modern when I got to Brisbane and tried them out. I brushed off rumours that they were mainly ‘hook up’ apps, trusting that there would be some well-intentioned, eligible, interesting, not altogether unaesthetically pleasing, at-least-as-tall-as-me men out among the masses of potential mates that are meant to abound on these sites.

Oh Heather. So naive.

There are, of course, masses of these men on these sites. And I envy the women who are truly interested in casual sexual encounter, because hallelujah they’ve hit the jackpot! I would say that in no point in history has casual sex been more accessible, nor have people – particularly in such a mainstream way – been able to raise their hand and say “yes please!”

(It’s kinda like how Fifty Shades of Grey made it mainstream and acceptable for women of any age to read BDSM novels in public. And then discuss it in casual conversation, and I’m talking about, like, even grandmothers.  But not mine. At least not that I know of.)

There are up sides to this. As a result of hook up culture becoming mainstream, people seem to be more willing to just be up front about what they want. If I had a dime for every guy that basically opened with a sexual proposition in the short time that I was using these apps, I’d have, like, a whole dollar. Though it doesn’t always feel good at the time, it is actually a good thing because if you know what you want too, it becomes much easier to dodge the men who just aren’t looking for the same thing. You can delete him and move on, sparing everyone from that awkward moment when you are wondering what you could name your mutual children as he starts enthusiastically pawing at you. Unless that’s what you want, in which case, no judgement. Go forth and causally fornicate. Use condoms. Call me the next morning to share your secrets about how not to get emotionally involved. I’ll take notes.

Exhibit A: David from Tinder 

Naive at first I was...

Spoiler alert! When a guy says this to you, he's probably right.

Ah, yes. There it is.

I wasn't interested, just curious.

His ability to hold a PG-rated conversation, his interest in 'dating'... probably a few other things...

I ignored messages from him for another 4 days before he must
have moved on to some other lucky woman.

Obviously, not every one on Tinder/Blendr/the internet/in the world is like David from Tinder. And most of the guys who are, I don't actually bother with. David was a special case because I had just arrived in Wellington and was happy for a bit of banter. Not to worry - I have a few more to tell you about:

Exhibit B: Some guys are totally not real 

(apparently we call them 'catfish' in the online dating world)

I think I saw at least 3 guys with this photo as their profile pic. Oh how
I wish there were multiples of this gorgeous man running around the world,
available and interested.

Exhibit C: Some are overly optimistic (delusional?)

Thinks he's bringing sexy back but I wish he'd put a shirt on it

Exhibit D: Some are adventurous married people

I wonder if the bride knows that he wants to date with girls 20-35?

He said "we" so I assume it won't be a surprise to her.
I've always felt like the 'lol' at the end of something like this comes across as unassertive.
I'm glad they're getting some good mileage out of their wedding pic at least.

Exhibit E: Some apparently use some secret language that I don't know

It is Tinder, so I'm suspecting that there is some sort of sex reference in there that I'm
not cool/young/kinky enough to know? It's probably best to leave it this way.
He didn't take the chance to clarify things for me.

Exhibit F: Some *might* not realize what they're saying

I'm not trying to suggest that this particular guy is not 'open minded' but the number of guys that I saw that had selected this, led me to believe that they were trying to identify a sexual preference for open-minded sex, generally - like, I'd consider some of the weird stuff that I see on the internet - as opposed to 'I'm open minded about having a male or female partner', which I think is the original intention of this option in the 'sexuality' drop down menu. Maybe I'm wrong though! I'd kinda love to know that there are so many bi-curious, open minded men in New Zealand! I kinda wish I'd taken the chance to ask some about it. But I didn't, so now we all have to wonder.

Exhibit G: Some, leave me speechless

Exhibit H: And some seem awesome (please don't tell me that this is a pic of some famous singer or something. I choose to believe that this guy exists)

It would never work out between us because: Bon Jovi,
but I feel more awesome just having read that profile.

I felt a bit of shame when I got to the end of all the possible matches around me… really? I’ve seen them all?? It’s actually quite addictive to be swiping yes or no, making your way easily through hundreds of photos quickly. Tinder provides the added satisfaction of having a big ‘NOPE’ stamped across the face of anyone you’ve declined, and both apps provide a bit of excitement as matches interrupt your swiping to tell you that ‘hey! He thinks you’re cute too!’ or when you sign in and are advised that there are so many people who are ‘interested’. Excuse me sir, would you mind opening the double doors so I can take my giant inflated ego out for a walk?

I wasn't even in Honiara. I'd literally scrolled through all the men in central Wellington?
That's when I knew it was time to go do some actual sightseeing.

151 people who CLEARLY know a good thing when they see it.

This guy never showed up when I was on Tinder, which is actually rather disappointing.
Instead, I've borrowed the image from dirtyandthirty.com (which I hadn't heard of before
my google search to find an image that shows you what I mean by the
'Nope' stamp, though something tells me I could become an avid follower).

I really dislike the ‘game’ aspect of these sites though, compared to good ol’ fashioned POF. When you get a ‘match’, you are asked if you want to chat to them immediately or ‘keep playing’. I know we’re advised not to hate the playa, just to hate the game, but the game fuels the player. The game changes the way we play. I’m not a fan.

The truth is, in terms of long lasting profile enjoyment, the highest rewards still come from POF, simply because people have more of a chance to show off how ridiculous they are. So here you go:

Woah buddy, you went too far with that four letter word. This is online dating.
Pull yourself together mate!

I'm pretty sure he's just pretending to like animals. I'll have to ask the dog for a reference, that is,
if it isn't still scarred from the awkwardness of how it's being dangled in this photo.

 

I could have found this gentleman entertaining, except that he wrote to me:

Hey now, back it up, head on home and no one will get hurt. (For those
of you who don't know, GBR is the army base here in Honiara. They have
fresh food flown in for them, ocean views and first class health care, but they're not allowed to come out and play, so they get kinda pissy about it I guess.)

I like that he likes marshmallows (they're one of my greatest weaknesses) and hates Nickelback
(I shudder just saying the name), but he wrote to me and asked me if I like egg salad sandwiches.
Which is the dumbest question I've ever heard, because EVERYONE likes egg salad sandwiches. Duh.

Is he doing one of those reverse psychology, be-mean-and-uninterested-to-get-women-to-like-you
kind of things? I might write to find out. Or maybe I can fix him.

I hope you’re laughing. And if you are, I hope it's in that I’m-laughing-because-its-so-sad-and-pathetic-and-poor-poor-Heather-she’s-gotta-be-able-to-do-way-better-than-this! kind of way.

But in case you didn’t enjoy any of that, maybe you’ll like these last little tidbits, which shows just how highly google predictive search thinks of me, and the weird things that happen when my phone thinks it’s typing what I’m saying, despite the fact that it’s in my pocket.

I was actually googling "why do i have to be so awesome". Obviously.

Hot off the presses! This just in! Literally as I was preparing this post, I got this message on POF:

Nice to meet you too.

Happy Valentines everyone!

xo

H

PS. Over the course of my holiday, I met up with a few people that I ‘matched’ with using the apps. It was ok. The best one was a guy who fit all the relevant criteria - including age and height - and was pretty great. We went out on New Years Day and it was refreshing to realize that dating doesn’t always have to be devastatingly bad, nor provide snarky and pathetic humour for a blog post. It was also a great way to start the New Year, and hopefully a sign that 2014 has good things in store for me. I’ve had enough of online dating for a while though, and deleted my Tinder and Blendr accounts before the end of my holiday. It just didn’t make sense anymore. My POF account is still up - mainly as a hopeless romantic security blanket – but I’m currently focussing my time and energy on other things (mainly work), and hope to be in a place (physically, mentally and emotionally) to prioritize dating someday soon.