Guys say the darndest things #1

Ok everyone, I’ve heard you. Loud and clear. Boys and witch doctors are a hit. If that’s what my public wants, I’m sorry in advance if I disappoint you but let's see what I can come up with.

I haven’t bumped into any more witch doctors lately, so I’ve been thinking about how I can up the guy factor. One of the ideas that has been bouncing around my head for a while now is a recurring segment on the stuff that dudes say to me. A living list so to speak, that doesn’t take as long to produce as my usual posts, but will still inject a small dose of Heather into your day, on occasion. Random, ridiculous, funny or completely inappropriate stuff. Whatever. If it caught me off guard, made me roll my eyes or inadvertently laugh out loud, perhaps you might want to share in some of my amusement? It kinda happens a lot.

Stop me when I start boring you.

I mentioned this to a friend recently, and he thought it was a bad idea. He reasoned that such a list could be used against me in a witch trial – as an opening statement and key evidence I believe he said. (He was joking grandma, don’t worry, they don't do witch trials any more. And as far as I know there is nothing illegal about making fun of people on the internet. Well, maybe there is, but surely it doesn’t count if you give them funny pseudonyms. It’s probably written in the fine print somewhere.)

Dramatic as it sounds though, I wonder if it would just be bad karma? I’ll have to do my best to keep the really nice guys out of the mess, but why do some of them have to produce some of the best material?

Thoughts?

Though I’m not yet convinced either way, my hesitation is currently outweighed by the sense of validation I get when my page views spike or I get comments, so I’m a slave to your reading palate.

As a compromise, and so that said friend doesn't lose any sleep at night over dreams of me burning at the stake (insert inappropriate bbq joke here) and instead can focus on the other type of dreams I’m sure he usually has (though not about me - very often), I've edited the title of my list which will no longer be called ‘Ridiculous things African men say to me”.

Instead, everyone, please put your hands together for the slightly less snarky: Guys say the darndest things. If the list had a byline it would read something like ‘appreciating all the verbal blessings sent my way’ (you know, so that in a trial I could assert that it was a gratitude list. And slightly religious.  How could anyone hold a religious gratitude list against me? I would practically be like spitting on a nun while she’s deep in her Hail Mary’s.)

I could trudge [not so] deep into my archives to dig up my first Darndest Thing, but there’s no need because a text from yesterday will do just fine:

So I met a guy on the weekend.

I went to dinner on my own with my computer in tow so I could catch up on some work, but that just wasn't meant to be and I wasn’t alone for long. It happens that way sometimes. A few hours, a few gin and tonics (for me) and most of a bottle of whisky (for the owner of the hotel, a judge and the petroleum consultant who gate crashed my working dinner) later, I wobbled towards the party I was very late for with nary a bit of work done and the makings of a monumental hangover.  

Later, as I climbed into bed, I discovered that the resourceful consultant had borrowed my phone and called himself while I was on a bathroom break and was now intent on staying in touch. Regularly.

Of the multiple text messages that awaited me, this one was my favorite:

“U make me feel like a king whenever I see ur nice face and ur forehead.”

It’s practically Shakespeare, isn’t it?

Welcome to the world Guys Say The Darndest Things. Let’s see if we get along.